Scrambled Eggs

I feel so good lately. It’s almost unbelievable. Lie. It is unbelievable. I’m so positive and happy. My relationship feels so…complete. I’ve been trying not to mention it because I don’t want to jinx it but it’s all true. I feel full, light, like I’m radiating happiness. And on top of that, I feel like through this I’m finding myself. This is what I like, this is who I am. I’m so confident in who I am no matter how much more, or less, I feel like I’m bring to the table compared to others my age. I just …stopped caring. And for the better. Don’t need that. Mute. Delete. Scroll. Block. It’s so liberating.
It will probably be one of the hardest things I ever try to explain. Simply because— how do you? I made, what seems like, an overnight shift towards positivity. I feel like the social media drought really helped me. Not seeing the world crumbling everyday gave me a new outlook. I guess you could say integrating some ignorance into my life really did lead to bliss.
I’ve stopped beating up myself up so much. I want to create more, branch out in my styles. I don’t look at other people with jealousy. I just find something equally as beautiful or talented in myself. That normally leads to my hair. I love my natural hair so much. I can’t believe it.
This a all just a jumble of things. But I feel wonderful, even if it means my writing is lacking. My brains are scrambled eggs right now.



A few months ago I deleted all my social media. Admittedly, I needed a break. For a while there, every time I would log on to Facebook I felt like the world was ending.  I would get so caught up in the latest news story, which was never something good; and I dragged myself into explaining why some idiot was wrong. Constantly, I found myself saying, “Why are people so stupid? Why don’t they understand?” when in reality, they don’t care to. It turned into a never-ending, vicious cycle.
I was stressed out. Stressed to the point when I was involuntarily pulling out my hair, truly. I was playing with my hair so much that I created a bald spot and thinned areas. I believe it to be along the lines of trichotrillomania; but I’m no doctor. Ultimately, I logged off, got a head band, focused on October art challenges and took a breather. My hair started growing back (big ups to my new hair routine), I didn’t feel the existential dread loomimg so closely anymore, and I think most importantly I haven’t had a panic attack in months and my depression has been so under control.

I feel like my whole life has been detoxed; purged of all negativity. I woke up on the 1st feeling like my whole world was shifted. Like everything was pushed two inches to the right; but I wasn’t upset about it. I was excited. Excited for the new year, new projects, my birthday in 3 days, everything. Things that I haven’t cared about, or tried to avoid, for years…

I just can’t shake this incredible feeling. This is going to be a good year.

Start Swimming

Denial. Denial is googling symptoms of depression and anxiety because I don’t want to *that person* who calls a minor inconvience a depressive episode while knowing GODDAMN GOOD AND WELL I need to shut up and go to the doctor. 

For the last…however many years, I’ve been telling myself, or others, that I’m like a “reverse hypochondriac”. It took me until today to realize that I’m just in denial. In denial about everything. My depression, anxiety, and any medical problem (big or small) that arises. Even worse, once noticed that I’m so gung ho to help everyone around me, but when it comes to helping myself I stutter step. You can’t spend all your time fixing other people in hopes that it’ll make you feel more whole. You have to fucking help yourself. 

I spend my days working with individuals with developmental disabilities to help them live a better life. I work, and overwork, myself because as long as they shower themselves, help put their arm in their shirt, or give me a thumbs up…it’s worth it. I give so much to so many. Time, energy, rides, a jacket, my last dollar, or a laugh. All I ever want in return is the thought that I helped. A simple smile, wave, anything. But in the end I’m not happy. It doesn’t fill the void. 

There’s always an empty spot in my chest. It feels like my lungs are bottomless and I can’t get enough air. I could breathe in forever and never get enough, like in life. It leaves me feeling, no pun intended, deflated. My eyes and emotions glazed over; I feel like someone hit “pause” on my basic human brain functions. Meanwhile my mind is racing; I’m in a million different places. I end up feeling drained when I just want to have enough, and be enough. 

On top of the eternal feeling of dread and a gaping hole in my chest, I’m realizing my toxicity levels within myself. I’m so good at pointing out toxic people and traits in others but I can never find them in regards to my own personality. Better yet, I deny their existence all together. But I think I’ve narrowed some down here:

  1. I never apologize because I never feel like I have to; I’m “always” right. Plot twist, I’m not. 
  2. I’m so full of pride that I take every disagreement as a challenge and I fight to win.
  3. Irrational temper, normally brought on by anxiety. 
  4. I hate easily and forgive rarely.
  5. Crippling self-loathing and insecurity that’s only worsened by my anxiety. 
  6. Complete and udder denial of my mental illnesses unless I’m using it for self-deprication or as an excuse.

Although, that’s just what I can think of now. And what I think is something that needs to be handled. 

So, is that the first step? Admittance, right? It’s time to stop treading water and get to work. To stop being drown by my inner demons and start swimming. 

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